A NEW JAYHAWK FAN!!

A Missouri family of football supporters headed out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up a KU jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Jayhawk fan and I would like this for Christmas".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother". Off goes the little lad with the Jayhawk Jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a KU fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the KU Jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?"   "I've decided I'm going to be a KU fan and I would like this jersey for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,  "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.  The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a  Jayhawk fan for an hour and I already hate you Mizzou bastards.

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Three basketball coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed and all three died. They noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for them to come into the clouds and said he wanted to know three things: Who are you?  What did you do?  What did people think of you?

The first coach said, "I'm Mike Krzyzewski. I was the second best coach in the nation. I won two national championships and I always got the best recruits. The people of Durham think I'm great." God said, "Fine, Mike, stand on my right side."

The next coach said, I'm Bob Knight. I was the third best coach in the nation. I won three National Championships, my teams were consistently ranked in the top 25, and won at least twenty games nearly every year. Hoosier fans think I'm great." God said, "Fine Bob, stand on my left side."

The third coach stood before God and said, "I'm Roy Williams and I took the most storied program in college basketball from probation and turned it into a consistent top 5 program. I've won at least twenty-five games a season and taken my team to the NCAA tournament eleven times in a row, with nine Sweet Sixteen and two Final Four appearances while graduating over 93 percent of my players... and KU fans think you're sitting in my chair."

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made.  It's a planet, and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.  God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. 

"The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a beautiful land in the center of a large mass. "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Kansas, the most glorious place on Earth.  There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and prairie. The people from Kansas are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found traveling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them a super-human, undefeatable basketball team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What  about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Missouri."

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After Norm Stewart dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour.  He shows Norm a little two bedroom house with a faded Mizzou Banner hanging from the porch.

"This is your house, Coach.  Most people don't get their own houses up here". Norm looks at the house, then turns around at the one sitting on top of the hill.  It's a huge two story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.  Jayhawk flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge University of Kansas banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God.  But let me ask you a question.  I get this little two bedroom house with a faded banner and Roy Williams gets a mansion with KU banners and flags flying all over the place.  Why is that? God looks at him seriously for a moment.  "That's not Roy Williams house".  God says, "That's mine!".

Wilt Chamberlain’s untimely death reminded me of the story about former KU coach Phog Allen, who, upon being informed by the press that Wilt had announced he was going to college at KU, commented that he “hoped that Chamberlain would go out for basketball.”

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Poem for Roy

By: Matt Tait
Date: 7/5/2000

'Twas the night before July 6, when all through the town
all the Jayhawks were stirring just trying to calm down.
The signs were all hung on the Fieldhouse with care,
In hopes that St. Roy would decide to stay there.

Some children were nestled snug in their beds,
Some on the Internet reading what He said.
And Hemenway in his bed and Frederick in his cap
Could not settle down for a short summer nap.

When up at Allen there arose such a clatter.
I sprang across campus to see what was the matter.
When what to my wide-open eyes was this,
Out from the Phog came Dr. Naismith.

In one hand a whistle and in the other a basket,
He spoke to Roy Williams straight from his casket.
More convincing than signs Dr. Naismith spoke,
Don't go to Carolina Roy, this must be a joke.

Now Adonis, now Rex, now Raef, and Pollard,
On Axtell, on Hinrich on Gregory and Collison.
To the top of the polls, on to the Big Dance,
I'm staying at Kansas, we've got a good chance.

As Roy stood and looked at the ghost before him,
Carolina just faded, it did nothing but bore him.
He jumped from his seat and leaped in the air,
I'm staying at Kansas, I want more gray hair.

So when the Phog lifted and nothing was left,
Williams felt a big lift from his chest.
He knew what he should do, he'd do it today.
I'm staying at Kansas, the Jayhawks heard him say.  

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The Golden Telephone

At their annual meeting before the beginning of the basketball season, all the top Big 12 basketball programs decided to have Golden phones installed in each of their respective offices.

One day a recruit named Joe walked into Quin Snyder’s Columbia office and saw his Golden phone sitting there. "Wow," Joe exclaimed, "What's that?" Quin responded,"Well son, that's my Golden Phone; it's a direct line to Heaven." "Wow, that's pretty neat," Joe responded. "Do you think I could make a call on that phone?"  "Well yes, but it's going to cost you about $100. You can make the check out to the University of Missouri Foundation," replied Quin. "That's a lot of money. I don't think I should spend that much. Thanks anyway," Joe replied as he left the office.

A few weeks later Joe took a campus visit at Oklahoma State University and went into Coach Eddie Sutton's office where again he saw a Golden phone. "What exactly is that phone for?" asked Joe. Coach Sutton replied, "That's my direct line to Heaven. "Do you think I could make a call from that phone?" asked Joe. Well sure, but it's going to cost you about $200, and you can make the check out to the Oklahoma State University Foundation," replied Sutton. "Oh never mind, I don't have that kind of money. Thanks though." Joe shook his head and left Coach Sutton's office.  

The next weekend, Joe took his official visit to the campus of the University of Kansas and made the office of Coach Roy Williams his first stop. Upon arriving, the first thing Joe noticed was the Golden phone on Coach Williams' desk. Joe asked if that was a direct line to Heaven. When Coach Williams replied that it was, Joe again asked if he could make a call using the phone.  "Well sure you can, but it will cost you 35 cents," replied Williams. Upon hearing this, Joe's eyes got real big and he said, "Really? Then why did Coach Snyner and Coach Sutton tell me it would cost so much more?"  Coach Williams looked up from behind his desk and smiled, saying, "Because, son, here in Kansas, it's a local call."

Stanley finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

 After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

 "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 "But... but ... that's impossible," stutters Stanley. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 Stanley is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Stanley looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

 As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

 No longer questioning anything, Stanley goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

 She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!  "You mean . ." he swallows excitedly, "we can watch the Jayhawk/Tiger game from here?"

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JAYHAWK PRAYER    (March, 2007)

Our Father, who art in Lawrence,

Hallowed be thy Game.

Thy tourney come,

Thy championship will be done, In Atlanta as it is in Allen Field
House.

Give us this day our deserved victories.

And forgive us our turnovers,

As we forgive Roy who double-crossed against us.

And lead us not into defeat,

But deliver us from East Coast bias,

For Kansas is the basketball kingdom,

And the tradition,

And the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

One day in an elementary school in Manhattan, KS, a teacher asks her class if the Kansas State Wildcats are their favorite basketball team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, "What's your favorite basketball team Jimmy?"

Little Jimmy says, "The Kansas Jayhawks "

The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Jayhawk fan, my mom is a Jayhawk fan, I guess that makes me a Jayhawk fan."

The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Kansas State fan."

Rich Glas, basketball coach at Division II North Dakota, on motivating his players before a game with No. 4-ranked Kansas: “I told our guys, ‘They put their pants on the same way we do.  They just pull them up two feet higher.’” – Nov. 27, 2000

TOP 10 QUOTES FROM MIZZOU or WHY TIGERS CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS....AND SHOULD NOT RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE:

1. Former Tiger and NBA player Linus Kleiza on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. Current scoring leader Kim English, when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to score 400 or 500 points, whichever comes first."

3. DeMarre Carroll, last year’s star on his coach, Mike Anderson: "He treated us like men. He let us wear earrings.."

4. J. T. Tiller, senior basketball player at the University of Missouri : "I'm going  to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

5. Norm Stewart, long-time former Mizzou coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

6. Former Tiger Stefhon Hannah, explaining why he kept a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

7. Announcer and former star Jon Sunvold, on the training regime of former teammate Steve Stipanovich: "He's a guy who got up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

8. Zaire Taylor, current basketball player, explaining to Coach Anderson why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." 

9. In the words of MU great Derrick Chievous, “I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.”

10. Former MU basketball coach Quin Snyder: "Nobody in basketball should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Now, before anyone decides to sue me for slander or libel, let me say that I, admittedly, took a different version of the above (which had actual quotes from other athletes), and modified it by inserting the names of current and former Missouri Tigers ... all in just good fun. But, while these guys didn't (as far as I know) really make the above quotes, it isn't too much of a stretch to think that maybe they could have. Remember, when the MU library burnt down, they lost both their books..